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The Girl
My name is Natasha. I really really like blinky lights, beepy noises and things that go "click". i love coffee and noodles and BIG PLATFORM SHOES. I love downtown toronto and shopping to feel better. I love my Devon because he is my glitterbean.
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My diary, my space, my rights. Don't like what you see? Feel free to hit that little X up there. Thanks.
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...written on 2004-10-14, @ 10:11 a.m.
After reading his last entry, I’m more confused and upset than ever.
He was talking a LOT about ending his life. That was pretty much the entire basis of his entry. It went on to tell of what he DOES like about himself and his life, which was surprising, to say the least. He made a few references to me, and the brief “relationship” we once had, though he didn’t once just come out and say it was me who he was talking about.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, though. Should I talk to him? Maybe let him know that…I don’t even know. I’m really happy with the way things are going right now. I mean, when I was involved with him, the short month we were together (even though we were never boyfriend/girlfriend) I spent most of my time worrying about him, worrying about what he thought of me, or why he seemed so angry with me the last time we spoke. And if I wasn’t worrying I was sad…sad about the fact that I couldn’t see him as often as I liked, or sad that he didn’t seem to want to come see me, or sad that he always seemed so sad. And I spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at him for not making any effort to come see me, or angry because he often didn’t seem to care about what I was talking about.
Don’t get me wrong, I have many pleasant memories of him. Going to visit him was always something I really looked forward to. I loved spending time with him, no matter what we were doing. He was funny, sweet…I loved so much about him, it blinded me almost. But at the same time, I wasn’t happy. And could tell that h wasn’t very happy either.
I guess what I’m getting at is that now, I’m a lot happier. I don’t worry every day, and I’m back with Ryan which makes me so incredibly happy. Breaking up with him was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. At the same time though, it makes me sad that Steve and I are no longer friends. And I really haven’t the slightest idea about whether or not I should talk to him a bit, maybe just let him know I still care.
It probably wouldn’t be the smartest idea. He doesn’t seem the type of person who can easily forgive, though I don’t believe I’m the one who needs to be forgiven.
I need to really think this over.